I wish my penis had an off switch
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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