Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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