I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
