My Higher Power is John Stamos
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
