Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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