I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
