her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
