i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
