Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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