I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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