i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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