got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
