if you like me you must not know who I am
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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