Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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