Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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