Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
