I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
