Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
