I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
