I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
