Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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