well I can't set my house on fire every night
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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