Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
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Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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