I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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