I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
