The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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