He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
