i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
