i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
