He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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