I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
