Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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