Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
