I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
