i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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