God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
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