Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Randomize
