The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I will be naked everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize