I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
