Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
