apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
