Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
