this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
