the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
