The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
