i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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