So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Randomize
