i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
