remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can you bring me the toilet please
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
