your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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