She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
