I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
