So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
People in love make me want to vomit
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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