He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
