Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
