We won't sleep together?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
