I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
