Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish you could order shots online.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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