Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
