Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
