I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
