I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
